Toniann Fernandez & Z. Xalmoa: Ubícate

Do Not Research

Jun 21, 2023

By Toniann Fernandez with Z. Xalmoa
Translation by María Santiago Leyva

English
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Yoni was surprised to hear that I had eaten that type of gonads before. He asked me three times before he got what he wanted.
“Have you eaten this before?” He held the black purple sea urchin with its spikes pressed against his palm.
“Yes,” I said. Yoni slapped the urchin on the white plastic table in front of me. Years of weather had weakened the table’s legs so that the force of Yoni’s hand caused them to bend and twist into the sand. The table swayed, then recentered itself. Yoni removed his hand from around the urchin. Its spines quivered.
“I’ve been waiting to see your face for days,” Yoni said. “Have you eaten this before?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said. Yoni dropped his beer from his waist. Its cold glass neck leaned over my ankle and spilled effervescent ferment onto the warm arch of my foot. I waved my hand in front of the urchin’s spikes. They rose toward my fingertips, following my movement. I kept my eyes fixed on its limbs.
“Can he see me?” I asked, leaning closer to the urchin.
“Only in dreams,” Yoni’s voice came from behind me. He leaned over me and picked up the urchin again. He held it in his open palm in front of my face and rested his forearm on my right shoulder. He slid his left arm over my other shoulder and opened his hand to hold a pair of silver scissors next to the hovering urchin. His forearms squeezed my neck from either side.
“Have you eaten this before?” he asked.
“No,” I said. Yoni closed his fingers around the scissors. He held them like a knife. He turned the sea urchin over and stabbed the blade deep into the urchin’s center.

Yoni se sorprendió al escuchar que yo había comido ese tipo de gónadas antes. Me lo preguntó tres veces antes de obtener lo que quería.
“¿Has probado esto antes?” Sostenía el erizo negro púrpura con las espinas presionando sus palmas.
“Sí” dije. Yoni azotó el erizo contra la mesa de plástico blanco frente a mí. Años de calor habían debilitado las patas de la mesa y la fuerza de la mano de Yoni hizo que se doblaran y se enterraran en la arena. La mesa se contoneo y se repuso. Yoni removió la mano del erizo. Sus espinas se estremecieron.
“He estado esperando ver tu rostro por días” dijo Yoni. “¿Has probado esto antes?” me preguntó.
“Si” le dije. Yoni dejó caer su cerveza desde su cintura. El frío cuello de la botella se apoyó sobre mi tobillo y salpicó su fermento efervescente en el cálido arco de mi pie. Rodeé con mi mano las espinas del erizo. Rozaron las puntas de mis dedos siguiendo mi movimiento. Mantuve mis ojos fijos en sus extremidades.
“¿Me puede ver?” pregunté, acercándome aún más al erizo.
“Sólo en sueños,” la voz de Yoni venía detrás de mí. Se inclinó sobre mí y tomó el erizo de nuevo. La sostuvo con la mano abierta frente a mi rostro y colocó su antebrazo sobre mi hombro derecho. Deslizó su brazo izquierdo sobre mi otro hombro y abrió su mano para sujetar unas tijeras plateadas al lado del erizo flotante. Sus antebrazos presionaron mi cuello por ambos lados.
“¿Has probado esto antes?” preguntó
“No” dije. Yoni cerró sus dedos alrededor de las tijeras. Las sostenía como si fueran un cuchillo. Dio la vuelta al erizo y clavó el filo profundo hasta el centro del erizo.

Oli’s hand appeared between Yoni’s outstretched arms and my nose. She put her palm on my cheek and pulled my chin up to meet her gaze.
“What a beautiful flower,” she said, leaning over Yoni to look at me from behind. I felt the weight of both of them pressing against my back. She dragged her fingers under my chin. I lifted it towards her. Yoni’s chin rested on the other side of my neck. “Do you have many secrets in your life?” she asked.
Oli let go of my face and slid her hand between Yoni’s chest and my back. Yoni’s arms slid off of my shoulders as Oli pulled him away. Oli sat down across from me at the table. Her watery eyes were intense and kind. Yoni knelt down on the sand next to us over a clear bucket of sea water. The urchin’s thorny limbs twitched in his hand. He lowered the animal into the bucket and its spines slowed against the water and Yoni’s palm. He curled his thumb into the hole he had stabbed into its body. The sun shone through Yoni’s bucket, casting the glow of his movement through the water in crystal currents across my legs.

La mano de Oli apareció en medio de los brazos extendidos de Yoni y de mi nariz. Puso su mano en mi mejilla y levantó mi barbilla hasta encontrar su mirada.

“Qué linda flor,” dijo ella, inclinándose sobre Yoni para mirarme por detrás. Sentí el peso de ambos sobre mi espalda. Arrastró sus dejos debajo de mi barbilla. La levanté hacia ella. La barba de Yoni se apoyaba en el otro lado de mi cuello.
“¿Tienes muchos secretos en tu vida?” me preguntó.

Soltó mi cara y deslizó su mano entre el pecho de Yoni y mi espalda. Los brazos de Yoni se deslizaron fuera de mis hombros porque Oli los separó. Oli se sentó frente a mí en la mesa. Sus ojos humedecidos eran intensos y amables. Yoni se arrodilló en la arena junto a nosotras cerca de una cubeta con agua de mar. Las extremidades espinosas del erizo se contraían en su mano. Enroscó su pulgar dentro del agujero que había perforado en su cuerpo. El sol brillaba a través de la cubeta de Yoni, proyectando el resplandor de su movimiento a través del agua en corrientes cristalinas sobre mis piernas.

“There is a valley,” I told them, “with sakura trees.”
Yoni looked at me, listening as he lifted the urchin out of the water. He dipped his other hand into the bucket, then into its body. A mixture of organs and sea water spilled out from the urchin over its spikes and through Yoni’s fingers into the bucket in shadows across my legs.
“Are there cherries?” he asked me.
“Yes,” I said.
“And peaches?” Oli asked.
“Of course,” I said.
“And cake?” Yoni asked. He submerged the urchin again, swirling his fingers inside of it. “Cake,” I said. “However you like it.”
“I’d eat the whole thing,” Yoni said.
Oli looked at Yoni, then at me. Her expression was sympathetic. She sighed. “I don’t know if that would be permitted,” she said.
Yoni and I looked at her.
“His plate is already full,” Oli said.

“Hay un valle” les dije, “con árboles de sakura.”
Yoni me miró, me escuchaba mientras levantaba el erizo fuera del agua. Sumergió la otra mano en el balde y después en el cuerpo. Una mezcla de órganos y agua de mar se derramaba del erizo, sobre sus espinas y entre los dedos de Yoni dentro del balde en sombras por mis piernas.
“¿Con cerezas?” me preguntó. “Si,” dije.
“¿Y duraznos?” preguntó Oli. “Por supuesto,” dije.
“¿Y pastel?” preguntó Yoni. Sumergió de nuevo el erizo, sus dedos daban vueltas dentro de él. “Pastel” dije. “Como quieras.”
“Me lo comería todo” dijo Yoni.
Oli miró a Yoni y luego a mí. Su expresión era compasiva. Suspiró. “No sé si sea permitido,” dijo. Yoni y yo la miramos.
“Su plato ya está lleno,” dijo Oli.

Yoni put the sea urchin on the table with the hole in its body facing the sky. He sat down between Oli and me. The urchin's spines traced lines through the air and against the table slowly. A pool of light purple liquid grew around it. I leaned over and looked into its body. A star of five orange strips of wet flesh glistened from inside of its carcass. Yoni stuck the backend of a spoon inside of it and stirred. He lifted the spoon handle out of the urchin and towards my mouth. Saffron roe dripped from the silver stem. It hovered between Yoni’s eyes and mine. Yoni’s gaze pried through the mound of milt.
“How delicious to eat you entirely,” he said. He put the large end of the spoon in his mouth. The handle laden with essence stuck out, suspended in air. It quivered with the motion of his lips. He leaned toward me. I took the stem into my mouth, sucked the flesh from the metal, and was filled with salty velvet. It stayed in my mouth as it moved down my throat. My eyes rolled toward the back of my head and I closed them.

Yoni puso el erizo marino en la mesa con el agujero en su cuerpo apuntando al cielo. Se sentó entre Oli y yo. Las espinas del erizo trazaban líneas en el aire y contra la mesa lentamente. Una piscina de líquido morado creció alrededor de él. Me incliné para ver dentro de su cuerpo. Una estrella de cinco franjas naranjas, de carne mojada relucía desde dentro de su casco de púas. Yoni clavó el mango de una cuchara dentro y la agitó. Levantó el mango de la cuchara fuera del erizo y hacia mi boca. La carcasa color azafrán goteaba del mango plateado. El cuerpo se desplazaba entre los ojos de Yoni y los míos. La mirada de Yoni curioseaba a través del túmulo seminal condensado.

“Qué delicia comerte toda,” dijo. Puso el extremo más largo de la cuchara en su boca. El mango colmado de extracto se derramaba suspendido en el aire. Se estremeció con el movimiento de sus labios. Yoni se inclinó hacía mí. Puse el utensilio en mi boca, sorbí la carne del metal, y me llené de salada aterciopelada. Se quedó en mi boca y descendió a mi garganta. Mis ojos giraron detrás de mi cabeza y los cerré.

Yoni took the spoon out of his mouth and slammed it onto the table. Oli and I curtsied sideways with the table as it coiled in response to Yoni’s blow. Together, we twisted back to center. I opened my eyes. Oli picked up the spoon and dropped it onto the ground beside her. She kept her eyes on Yoni and me as she used her foot to drag a mound of sand over the spoon to bury it. Yoni stood up from the table. I stood up to face him. Oli watched us from her seat.
“I do not form a line,” Yoni said.
“I am the line,” I said. Yoni put his hands on my waist.
“I get in line,” Yoni said.
“What are you waiting for?” I asked.
“I’m already at your house,” he said.
“Send me a photo,” I said.
“I’m watching a series,” he said.
“Paw patrol?” I asked him.
“Would you prefer something for adults?” he asked.
“Would you like to be anonymous?” I asked.
Yoni nodded yes.

Yoni sacó la cuchara de su boca y la azotó contra la mesa blanca. En respuesta el golpe de Yoni ocasionó que la mesa hiciera una reverencia, Oli y yo emulamos la curva del mueble plástico. Poco después las tres volvimos a nuestro centro. Abrí los ojos. Oli tomó la cuchara y la dejó caer sobre la arena. Mantenía su mirada en Yoni y en mí mientras enterraba la cuchara con su pie. Yoni se levantó de la mesa. Yo hice lo mismo. Oli nos observaba desde su asiento.
“En esa cola no me formo,” dijo Yoni. Yoni puso sus manos en mi cintura. “Yo me meto,” dijo Yoni. “¿Y qué estás esperando?” le pregunté.
“Ya estoy en tu casa,” dijo.
“Mándame una foto,” le dije
“Ya estoy viendo una serie,” dijo.
“¿Paw Patrol?” le pregunté.
“¿Preferirías algo para adultos?” me preguntó. “¿Preferirías permanecer anónimo?” le pregunté. Yoni asintió.

I stepped away from him and walked to the bar. Two bartenders, a man and a woman both wearing black banged their cocktail shakers together to secure the liquid inside. They faced each other, and mirroring each other’s motions, they danced and shook the cocktails over their shoulders. They both turned to look at me, smiling. “Is everything okay?” one of them asked.
“I need a favor,” I said.
“Tell us,” they said.
“I need a name,” I said, “for a character.” They stopped shaking their cocktails and together poured a frothy clear liquid from the metal shakers into one tall glass between them. They turned their shakers upside down and ice cubes filled with black sand splashed into the liquid and sunk to the bottom of the glass.
“Well his name’s Toni.” the woman said. She pointed to her colleague.
“And what’s your name?” I asked her.
“Ann,” she said.
“You’re Toni and Ann? Toniann?” I asked.
“Yes!” they said.
“I’m Toniann,” I said.
“That’s right,” they said. The ice cubes melted, releasing the black grains of sand in small streams that settled at the bottom of the glass. The cubes rose slowly as the sand was released.

Me alejé de él y caminé hacia el bar. Dos bartenders, un hombre y una mujer, ambos vestidos de negro agitaban cocteles y se aseguraban de no derramar nada. Se miraraban imitando los movimientos del otro, bailaban y agitaban cocteles sobre sus hombros.
Los dos voltearon a verme y sonrieron. “¿Todo bien?” preguntó uno de ellos.
“Necesito un favor,” les dije.
“Dinos,” dijeron.
“Necesito un nombre,” dije, “es para un personaje.” Pararon de agitar sus cocteles y ambos vertieron un líquido espumoso de los envases metálicos dentro de un vaso alto que estaba en medio de ellos. Giraron los shakers y unos cubos de hielo llenos de arena negra cayeron en la bebida y se hundieron en el fondo del vaso.
“Bueno, su nombre es Toni,” dijo. Ella señaló a su colega.
“¿Y cuál es tu nombre?” pregunté.
“Ann,” dijo.
“¿Son Toni y Ann?” les pregunté.
“¡Si!” dijeron.
“Yo soy Toniann,” les dije.
“Es correcto,” me dijeron. Los cubos de hielo se derretían, liberando los granos de arena negra que se iban asentando en el fondo del vaso. Los cubos rozaban uno con el otro mientras soltaban la arena.

I walked back to Yoni. He was standing in the sun at the edge of the water near a jetski. “Can you take me out in that?” I asked Yoni, pointing to the vehicle. It was entirely white and the sun, high in the afternoon sky, blotted out all of the details of its body. I could only make out the outline of its form against the shore. When I closed my eyes against the glare, its shape was burned in purple behind my lids. I opened my eyes and looked out to the ocean. The ghost image of the craft was superimposed over the surface of the water. They multiplied in a dotted line of ghost crafts that jumped over the waves with each pause of my eyes’ motion.
“No,” he said, “I can’t. You get on that. Not in that.”
“Do I have to drown for you to swim with me?” I asked him. He thought for a moment, then smiled.
“Maybe we could create a simulation,” he said. I smiled back at him.
I went into the water to begin the simulation. I swam until I couldn’t touch the ocean floor, then I turned and looked at the beach. Yoni was watching me. I swam farther until the water was cold. I turned around to see if Yoni was in the water yet, but Yoni didn’t move. I treaded water until a current took me farther out. I didn’t fight the current, and I lost sight of Yoni. My mouth and nose filled with saltwater and I started to drown. My head fell below the surface of the water and I lost consciousness.

Regresé con Yoni. Él estaba de pie bajo el sol en la orilla del mar cerca de un jet ski.
“¿Podrías llevarme en esto?” le pregunté a Yoni apuntando al vehículo. Estaba completamente blanco y el sol, en lo alto del cielo de mediodía, borraba los detalles de su cuerpo. Solo podía distinguir su forma contra la orilla. Cuando entrecerró los ojos, su forma era morada detrás de mis párpados. Abrí los ojos y miré hacia el océano. La imagen fantasma de la nave se traslapaba sobre la superficie del agua. Se multiplicaba en una línea punteada de botes fantasma que saltaban sobre las olas con cada pausa del movimiento de mis ojos.
“No,” me dijo, “no te metas.”
“¿Tengo que estar ahogándome para que nades conmigo?” le pregunté. Yoni sonrió.
“Tal vez podríamos crear una simulación,” dijo. Sonreí también.

Me dirigí al agua para empezar con la simulación. Nadé hasta que mis pies no podían tocar el fondo del mar, luego volteé hacia la playa. Yoni me miraba. Nadé aún más lejos hasta donde el agua es fría. Giré para ver si Yoni ya se había metido al agua, pero él no se movía. Pataleaba bajo el agua hasta que una corriente me jaló aún más lejos. No luché contra la corriente y perdí de vista a Yoni. Mi nariz y mi boca se llenaron de agua salada y empecé a ahogarme. Mi cabeza se hundió y perdí la conciencia.

I woke up on the hot sand in Yoni’s arms. I choked sea water out onto the scar that divided his chest. Oli stood above us, looking down at our entwined bodies covered in beach.
“She is resuscitated,” Oli said to Yoni. “Now, let her go.” Yoni turned his head to look at me. Our faces pressed together so closely that the liquid over our pupils united.
“I forgot to start the simulation,” I said.
“I can see you clearly in the night,” he said, “just like always.” He let me go.
“I’ve been like this since I was born,” I said, lying back on the sand where he left me. “I’d like to see the corners of your home,” he said.
“I’m dancing,” I said without moving.
“Send me a photo,” he said.
“Do you dance?” I asked.
“I’m a stick,” he said. Yoni stood up and moved toward the water’s edge. “I’m filthy,” he said. “Otherwise, I’d fall in line right now.”
“Bathe,” I said.
I knelt in the water beside Yoni and scooped a handful of liquid onto my face. I rubbed the sand from my neck and shoulders. I moved my hand in small circles on my arms removing dead skin from soft flesh beneath. Yoni watched. He smiled.
“Are you thinking of me?” He asked. I looked up at him. My hands massaged small circles on my thighs. I nodded, “Yes.” Yoni’s smile grew wicked.
“How interesting,” he said, “and fun, to see how you touch yourself thinking of me.” He looked at the sun. “Ah!” he groaned. He put his hands over his eyes. “I’ll go blind.”
“I would love to see,” I said.
“Show me from a distance,” he said.

Me desperté sobre la arena caliente en brazos de Yoni. Esputé agua salada sobre la cicatriz que dividía su pecho. Oli estaba de pie sobre nosotros, observando nuestros cuerpos trenzados y cubiertos de playa.
“Ya resucitó,” le dijo Oli a Yoni. “¡Ya suéltala!” Yoni giró su cabeza para mirarme. Nuestros rostros estaban tan prensados que el agua de nuestras pupilas se unía.
“Olvidé iniciar la simulación,” le dije.
“Puedo verte claramente en la noche,” me dijo, “como siempre.” Me soltó.
“Así he sido desde que nací,” dije mientras yacía sobre la arena donde me había dejado.
“Quisiera ver las esquinas de tu casa,” me dijo.
“Estoy bailando,” dije sin moverme.
“Regalame una foto,” me dijo.
“¿Bailas?” pregunté.
“Soy un palo,” me contestó. Yoni se puso de pie y caminó hacia la orilla. “Ando sucio,” dijo. “Sino le caería a la cola ahora mismo.”
“Báñate,” le dije.
Me arrodillé en la arena a su lado y con mis manos tomé agua de mar para refrescar mi cara. Froté arena en mi cuello y en mis hombros. Movía mis manos en círculos pequeños sobre mis brazos para remover la piel muerta que había sobre la piel tersa. Yoni me miraba y sonreía.
“¿Estás pensando en mí?” me preguntó. Lo miré. Mis manos masajeaban el interior de mis muslos. Asentí. Su sonrisa traviesa creció. “Qué interesante,” dijo, “y divertido, verte como te tocas pensando en mí.” Miraba directamente al sol.
“¡Ah!” gimió. Se cubrió los ojos con las manos. “Sí veo me voy a quedar ciego.”
“Me encantaría ver,” le dije.
“Muéstrame a distancia,” dijo.

I stood up and walked away from Yoni towards the cliff. At the foot of the cliff, I looked back at him. His hands were still over his eyes. I climbed up through loose earth, sweating and scraping my knees on sharp rocks and bones in the sandy cliffside. I pulled myself up onto the top of the cliff against the hot wind. I turned to look down at Yoni. His hands were still over his eyes. I wondered when he would peak. I turned my back to Yoni and looked toward the far edge of the cliff. Roaring waves crashed into rock formations at the base of the cliff. Water filtered through the massive rocks to create swirling tide pools that glittered up at me from below. I looked closer and saw sea urchins covering the rocks beneath the water. I leaned closer. Their spikes broke through the water and rose toward me. I leaned closer. Their razor tips rose higher towards me, glinting. I leaned further toward them. The gravel beneath my feet separated from the rock below and cascaded in a wave of sand that threw me off the edge of the cliff.

Me puse de pie y caminé hacia el acantilado. Al pie del acantilado gire para verlo. Sus manos seguían cubriendo sus ojos. Empecé a subir por la tierra suelta, sudando y raspando mis rodillas con las rocas afiladas del precipicio arenoso. Llegué a la cima del acantilado luchando contra el viento caliente. Miré hacia abajo para ver a Yoni que aún tenía sus manos sobre sus ojos. Me pregunté cuándo vendría por mí. Le di la espalda y miré hacia el borde lejano del acantilado. Olas violentas se estrellaban contra las formaciones rocosas en el fondo. El agua se filtraba entre las enormes piedras creando piscinas brillantes arremolinadas en el fondo. Me acerqué y vi erizos que cubrían la superficie del agua. Me acerqué un poco más. Me percaté de sus espinas rompían el agua que me rozaba. Me acerqué aún más. Las puntas de sus espinas se me clavaban. Fui más allá. La grava debajo de mis pies se separaba de las rocas en una cascada que me arrojó de la orilla del acantilado.

When I awoke on the rocks below, it was night. My teeth gritted against each other. There was no moon. Oli was standing on the top of the cliff, looking at the stars. I saw only her umber silhouette against the midnight sky. She looked down at me.
“Now I’m getting to know you,” she said.
“Can you give me a ride?” I asked her. She looked back at the stars.
“With this moon,” she said, “anything is possible.” Oli looked back at me. I stared back at her silently. She sighed. “What punishment yours is,” she said sympathetically. She paused and shook her head slowly. “Yoni... Yoni was lying,” Oli said. “He was lying on the sand... lying in full passion. I tried to wake him.” She took a deep breath. “But I couldn’t. Lying there at lightspeed, he was so tense, so full of passion that he exploded.”

Cuando me desperté estaba sobre las rocas de abajo, era de noche. No había luna. Oli estaba de pie en la cima del acantilado mirando las estrellas. Sólo podía ver una silueta oscura en el cielo nocturno. Me miró desde arriba.
“Ya te voy conociendo,” me dijo.
“¿Podrías darme un ride?” le pedí. Ella volteó a ver las estrellas.
“Con esta luna,” dijo, “todo se puede.” Oli volteó a verme. La miraba fijamente sin hacer ruido. Suspiró. “¿Qué castigo el tuyo", dijo compasiva. Hizo una pausa y sacudió despacio la cabeza.
“Yoni...” dijo Oli, “Yoni se quemó. Se quemó en la playa... se quemó de pasión. Intenté despertarlo.” Respiró hondo. “Pero no lo logré. Se quemó... a la velocidad de la luz. Y estaba tan tenso, tan lleno de pasión. Se quemó tanto que se vino, se vino abajo.”

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